So im sitting here at my cushy desk at work, its about 12:00am on 11/17/09... every now and then I have these random thoughts about things that I feel have been life changing events. I think about my brother more often than most people know...those that really know me know that my pops aint really about shit, so growing up around him wasnt exactly the best experience. My brother used to come around often, take me to hang out, and taught me a lot about electronics & computers. I honestly owe a lot of what I know to him, and I think about him alot. Sadly he left this world the day before my birthday in 2006. We barely communicated in the years coming towards his death, and I blame myself for not keeping in touch with those who I grew up with. I have a first cousin right now who I have not talked to in about 2+ years...I dont know why I havnt... and we were close as ever...I think about a lot of things randomly...Like sometimes I think what if I would have stayed with my fiancee and tried to work it out instead of walking away? where would I be now? What would my life be like? Theres so much to write about, and so much that people who I consider to be close dont know...Like I wake up sometimes and wonder if its just the luck I have with women, or if its just me, or I just cant seem to meet the right woman...and so many people ask me why am I single? I honestly dont know...and it bothers me that im getting older and have yet to meet anyone who wants to take life as serious as I do...I just cant seem to understand what it is about the people I meet, I've met the good ones, and of course the not so good ones, but what ive learned is that no matter where I go or who I meet, its always something wrong. I try to think that maybe its me, but then I see how these women look at life and how they are so busy or preoccupied with their lives and bullshit, they cant have time for someone like me. Maybe its the image I give off, and I by any means am not stuck up, nor am I arrogant. I think its maybe the way I treat these women...just like my good female friend told me..."If you acted like an asshole, they would love you"...but its not in my nature to be an asshole. Those who know me know im too cool for that...maybe its cause im too honest? But lying isn't my style either...who knows...I dont wanna think that im meant to be single, cause I want a nice house, a wife and a kid or two...but that dream is fading fast as the reality of the women I have met and are still meeting is setting in...
That is all...goodnight
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will....boy if you only knew...i was on that same path...thought i had found the person who i was supposed to settle down with, marry, and all that good stuff....but i learned as others everything that's good to us ain't good FOR us...and i have those same thoughts...i don't want to be my mother and grow older by myself...i would love to be able to share it with someone like my grandparents did...but i've come to the conclusion (and please understand i'm NOT throwing my beliefs on you) that when the time is right God will bring the right person into my life...we just have to be able to recognize them for who they are...its probably easier said than done, but i think it can be done....
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